


Dear Diary

by Ollie_Octopus



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Comes Out, Coming Out, Fluff, Gen, Nonbinary Character, Probably canon, angels are technically nonbinary, castiel is nonbinary, just a coming out fic, nonbinary Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:01:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24099247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ollie_Octopus/pseuds/Ollie_Octopus
Summary: Castiel doesn't understand why they feel so uncomfortable in their own skin, and turns to their diary for comfort
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 58





	Dear Diary

**Author's Note:**

> This is a oneshot written after a difficult bout of dysphoria, and I think it ended up okay! I'm nonbnary and wanted a nb!cas, so here it is :')
> 
> As always, thank you for reading! I hope you enjoy it(:

**The Feelings**

09/05

_Dear Diary,_

_Today was a hard day. The feelings were back again, but so much worse than before. I keep looking at myself in the mirror, and I feel so... disconnected. This body, it can't be mine. It doesn't look right, it doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like it belongs to me. My chest is so flat, and my muscles are all built wrong, I'm too broad and rectangular. Downstair is a different story. It's so physically uncomfortable; it almost hurts. I want it gone, it shouldn't be there. How do I get it gone?_

_I don't understand these feelings. God said that when we were in our vessels, we would get used to all the things that come with being human, including anatomy. So why do I still feel so uncomfortable? Some days it's so bad that I want to tear my skin off and rebuild. Nothing fits. It's like a pair of trousers that are too small, it just doesn't fit. It's been months and months, and every day is torture. What do I do?_

_Castiel_

**The Discovery**

30/05

_Dear Diary,_

_Today I used the Google. It's all too much now. I don't feel like I belong in my own body, I don't feel safe and warm. This body feels cold, and not right, and I've had enough. The Google has suggested that I might be nonbinary and that what I have been feeling is dysphoria. This means that I don't identify solely with the idea of male or female, and the discomfort I have is because my body doesn't match up to how I feel. It sounds good. It sounds right. It feels like a lost puzzle piece that you find and put into place, completing the puzzle. I like it when Dean calls me Cas, it feels neutral. It gives me butterflies. I think I want that to be my name. I like Castiel, but Cas feels really nice. It almost sounds pretty, and that makes me happy. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to dress however I wanted, I want to know how it feels to be pretty._

_I read that a lot of nonbinary people use they/them pronouns. I like that, I think I might try them. Male pronouns feel horrible, and female ones feel just as bad. I think this might make me feel better. I'm excited! I hope I start to feel better soon._

_Cas(???)_

04/06

_Dear Diary,_

_I refer to myself as 'they' now, it feels wonderful. I think Sam knows, because he does it too, and he calls me Cas, not Castiel. Sam always seems to know, I'm so thankful he's my friend. Dean doesn't know, and I'm afraid to tell him. Dean is my best friend, and he doesn't always understand these things, so I'm worried I'll lose him. He means a lot to me, and I don't know what I'd do without him. He makes me so happy. We've always been close friends, so maybe it won't be too bad? Perhaps Sam will help me, and we can help Dean understand. I don't like keeping this from him, he deserves to know, and I deserve to feel free. It all feels like a locked cage. I want to be open, I want to be myself._

_Cas (I love this name!)_

**The Confession**

  
  


09/06

_Dear Diary,_

_It took a few days to get the courage, but I did it. I am 'out' as a nonbinary person, and I am officially Cas who uses they/them pronouns. I don't think I've ever felt so happy, so seen. Dean was confused, and almost angry initially. He didn't think it was possible, and he thought that what I had downstairs was what gender I was. Sam helped explain it all. I think he's okay with it. It'll take him some time, but I'm thankful he tried to be understanding._

_Charlie knows too. I phoned her this morning, and she was really kind. She said that we have to go shopping and we're going to work on finding clothes that make me more comfortable. I'm really thankful for Charlie, I wonder why God didn't choose her to be an angel? Today was a good day, and I'm so proud of myself. It feels like a weight has been lifted, and everything feels good and right._

_Cas_

**hi cas,**

**it's me, dean. i've done some research and stuff, and sammy has spoken to me a little more. i think i get it now, and i'm gonna try my best to make sure i get everything right. you have to slap me if i get it wrong okay? i just wanted you to know that i love you and support you, and you're never going to lose my friendship - we do share a profound bond after all. please don't forget how wonderful you are. be kind to yourself cas, i don't want to see my best friend upset.**

**dean-o**


End file.
